May 25, 2007
The White House
ďNormally, I start these things out by saying ďMy Fellow Americans.Ē
Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I donít
know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something
terrible has happened, and that youíre really not fellow Americans
Iíll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets
all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid
prosecution or something, let me assure you: thereís been no
breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason Iím quitting is simple. Iím fed up with you people.
Iím fed up because you have no understanding of whatís really
going on in the world. Or of whatís going on in this once-great
nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do
your homework and figure it out.
Letís start local. Youíve been sold a bill of goods by
politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you
think the economy is in the tank. And thatís despite record numbers
of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And
while weíre mentioning minorities, Iíll point out that minority
business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is
as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. Iíve
mentioned all those things before, but it doesnít seem to have sunk
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has
rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are
participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine
about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize
that gas prices are high because thereís increased demand in other
parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are
more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your
We face real threats in the world. Donít give me this ďblood for
oilĒ thing. If I was trading blood for oil I wouldíve already seized
Iraqís oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And
donít give me this ĎBush Lied People Diedí crap either. If I was the
liar you morons take me for, I couldíve easily had chemical weapons
planted in Iraq so they could be Ďdiscovered.í Instead, I owned up
to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that
the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let
me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy
before I came into office. Some guy named ĎClintoní established that
policy. Bet you didnít know that, did you?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back
during the cold war, there were two major competing political and
economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We
were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.
Thatís not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy
donít care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. Thatíd be
fine, as long as they werenít also committed to taking as many of
you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And
the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they havenít gotten any more of us
here in the United States since September 11. But youíre not. Thatís
because youíve got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence,
military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked
to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you
that this would be a long and difficult fight. Iím disappointed how
many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a
single season of ĎSurvivorí.
Instead, youíve grown impatient. Youíre incapable of seeing
things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You
think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the
enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a
donation to a cut-and-run Democratís political campaign, well,
dammit, you might just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a
Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, itís easy enough to find the truth. Itís all
over the Internet. It just isnít on the pages of the New York Times
or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt youíd be any smarter.
Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will
always be there to bail you out, even if youíre too stupid to leave
a city thatís below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I
could say more about your insane belief that government, not your
own wallet, is where the money comes from. But Iíve come to the
conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your
So I quit. Iím going back to Crawford. Iíve got an
energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the
capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of
Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as Iím done here pretty
much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe Iíll be lucky enough
to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheneyís quitting too. That means Pelosi is
your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully,
because I still have a glimmer of hope that thereíre just enough of
you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in
So thatís it. God bless whatís left of America. Some of you know
what I mean.
To the rest of you, up yours.
George W. BushĒ