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May 25, 2007
The White House


ďNormally, I start these things out by saying ďMy Fellow Americans.Ē Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I donít know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that youíre really not fellow Americans any longer.

Iíll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: thereís been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason Iím quitting is simple. Iím fed up with you people.

Iím fed up because you have no understanding of whatís really going on in the world. Or of whatís going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Letís start local. Youíve been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And thatís despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while weíre mentioning minorities, Iíll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. Iíve mentioned all those things before, but it doesnít seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because thereís increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Donít give me this ďblood for oilĒ thing. If I was trading blood for oil I wouldíve already seized Iraqís oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And donít give me this ĎBush Lied People Diedí crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I couldíve easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be Ďdiscovered.í Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ĎClintoní established that policy. Bet you didnít know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

Thatís not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy donít care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. Thatíd be fine, as long as they werenít also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they havenít gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But youíre not. Thatís because youíve got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. Iím disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of ĎSurvivorí.

Instead, youíve grown impatient. Youíre incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democratís political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, itís easy enough to find the truth. Itís all over the Internet. It just isnít on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt youíd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if youíre too stupid to leave a city thatís below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But Iíve come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. Iím going back to Crawford. Iíve got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as Iím done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe Iíll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheneyís quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that thereíre just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So thatís it. God bless whatís left of America. Some of you know what I mean.

To the rest of you, up yours.

Signed,
George W. BushĒ

 

-Thanks to Terry Michaels for sending this in!



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